*Disclaimer: To begin, I am focused primarily on sex in the hetero-normative context. As the content gains structure, I hope for this content to become as widely useful and applicable as possible. For now, consent in the the male-female sexual dynamic appears to be the most needful of review.
In regards to sexual etiquette, For most of recorded history, humanity has been taught only, that "no means no," and that rape is forced sexual intercourse. Then around 2015, as the internet was gaining popularity, the world discovered the concept of "Sexual Consent". According to this, a woman may have the experience of being raped, even if her partner didn't notice any particular signs of distress. What this meant, effectively, is that women have been experiencing rape, without their partners knowledge, pretty consistently throughout the living memory of humanity.
Since that time, I've had the opportunity to explore various materials, related to sexual consent, and review how its being taught in schools. Through that process, I have not seen it being taught in as comprehensive fashion as I would prefer.
What's more, many people remove their children from sexual-education in school due to their religious beliefs. At the same time, many of our children frequent religious spaces as safe environments that keep them out of trouble. Its concerning to me that these environments may also include children, who due to their parents beliefs, are under-educated on how to relate in a consent-conscious fashion with their peers.
As it stands, due to the sensitive nature of the subject and sexual taboos, I don't have hope for sexual consent to be taught in a widely effective manner. What's more, in my opinion, people who need it the most are men over the age of 30 (who were already in their 20's by 2015). This guide is meant to ensure that at least adults have access to a comprehensive resource for guidance on this crucial matter.
- Introduction
- Marshall Rosenberg's: Nonviolent Communication
- Background
- Historical Context
- Women's lack of bodily autonomy
- Historical and Legal Context of Rape
- Taboo
- The Health Benefits of Sex: A Human Need
- Historical Context
- A primary focus: Male-Female Dynamic in Hetero-normative Encounters
- Beyond the hetero-normative
- Components of Consent
- Age Gap
- Power Dynamic
- Body Language
- Eye-contact
- Active engagement
- Verbal Confirmation (asking)
- Structured Guidance, and Creating Space for Needs
- Supporting consent-conscious communication
This work is grounded in Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which promotes the idea that all humans share the same needs and that any conflicts arise surround our strategies for meeting those needs, rather than with those needs themselves. Marshall Rosenberg wished to create a world in which humans learn to communicate co-operatively towards the meeting of our needs, in the interest of serving life.
A different name for NVC might be Compassionate Communication, which helps to highlight why I find that this practice and philosophy ideally suited to discussing the topic of sexual consent. However, this course will not include a complete instruction in using NVC as a therapeutic modality or for conflict resolution. Instead, I will use its fundamental principles to shape our discussion. That said, there will be direction on how to go deeper, if inspired.
Nonviolent Communication includes guidance that will support us from several perspectives.
- A consciousness and language for ensuring the needs of all individuals can be met in a given situation.
- Providing empathy for those who have experienced undesired encounters.
- Providing empathy for those after realizing someone experienced their actions as undesired.
- A consciousness to not be attached to any of our specific strategies for meeting our needs.
- Resolving conflicts in our relationships (for our purposes, around the sexual\intimate context)
- Broader focus on consent\autonomy in the context of not giving away our power to authority, remaining conscious of our right to choose in any given moment.
Having consumed this material, I believe you will understand why I find the teachings surrounding Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication so useful. First, we will review what I have found to be the fundamentals of consent in romantic \ intimate relationships. Then, we will review what I believe to be the fundamentals of Nonviolent Communication, related to this content.
After being grounded both in the principles of identifying consent in an intimate encounter, we will go in more detail over various issues related to consent, at times touching on the principles of NVC. These materials are meant to support us, both in individual intimate encounters, romantic relationships, and this challenging transition from an era of "no means no", to a beautiful but complex world where "no doesn't always mean no, and yes doesn't always mean yes".
I have undergone great efforts in this program to ensure that, to the greatest extent possible, the needs of all parties can be met in a given situation, that we aren't unintentionally hurting people we care about, and that our loved ones can go through life unmolested.
Beyond comprehensively describing how, as best as possible, to ensure you are involved in consent-conscious intimate experiences I would also like to make it easier for individuals to communicate with each-other about their understanding of, and relationship with, consent in sexual relationships. Recognizing sex as having profound physical and mental health benefits and as a biological "need" for everyday individuals seeking to maximize their quality of life, while at the same time how profoundly scary it can be for people to even put themselves out there in a world that doesn't fully grasp consent.
To that end, these materials include a set of forms where you can describe what consent has looked like for you, various boundaries and romantic interests you have. Then anyone who completes the course can be certified and choose to share their consent story. From among people who have undergone these efforts, if they so choose, they may engage with others romantically being reasonably assured that they know how to discuss consent.
Eventually I would like to transform this into a "dating" site where people can share kinks and consent stories and this project can help us all live in a world where we have opportunities to connect intimately while ensuring the well-being of all individuals involved.